I do not find you attractive. I’m not sure why everyone else keeps talking about you like it’s so great that you’re still single. “Don’t worry, Harry’s still single.” Gag me. You are a ginger and not cute.
Dear Anthropologie, Nordstrom, and Piperlime,
Please stop having sales. My checking account and credit card still have not recovered from New York back in March. Plus I’m going to be a starving student again soon. And I have a shopping addiction that I need to find some kind of solution for.
Please start growing. I wish you were long and flowy.
I’m sorry that one week I am so hard on you at the gym and wreck you on mountain bike rides, with tennis serves, and Lori’s power pump class in an effort to be more active, and then next I decide to be lazy and stuff you with all kinds of food. I will try to be more consistant all around.
Also on that note,
I’m going to try and visit you more. I’m kind of being a bad friend that lies and says I’m going to come visit you and then ditches you for my cooler friends, tv and bed. But I miss you and it’s summer, so we’re going to hang out more.
Dear Miranda Lambert,
If you were going to steal my boyfriend, Blake Shelton, at least you could have worn a cuter wedding dress. Usually I like you, but right now we’re fighting.
Dear Chedder-Jalapeno Cheetos,
Stop staring at me everytime I walk past you at the gas station. Yes, you are deliciously spicy and cheesy, but you also make my thighs jiggle and I do not have time for you right now. Plus you kind of look disgusting on paper.
Dear Weather in Utah,
I hate you. Period.
Dear Kelly Osbourne,
You are one lucky Biotch. I do not understand why you are on Fashion Police. You do not have cute style. Your hair is terrible. And you’re not very funny. How you got that job and have kept it I will never know.
You’re the worst part of my day. At some point in the day I get stuck somewhere on you and you make me late or it takes 4 times longer than it should for me to get somewhere. Really? I live in Utah, not Southern California. Can we please get this construction sped up a little bit? Thanks.